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ifoughtforlove:

     _{He was trying. God, he was really trying, and it stung. Mark had always been such a simple man, and Addison so complicated. He knew what she was going through, though perhaps not the depths of the torture that came with seeing the physical results of your affair staring up at you, demanding to be fed and held and burped every hour of the day and night. Reminding you that you were responsible for ruining your marriage and driving your husband away. Seeing his best friend in those eyes and the wisps of white-blonde hair on her head. It was supposed to be DEREK. He was supposed to be ecstatic when she told him she was pregnant. Supposed to feel as their child kicked at her belly. To hold her hand and stroke her sweat-soaked brow as she brought their baby into the world. Reality was too much of a shock for her damaged system, and Mark was more than she could handle in any capacity if she wasn’t going to smother Ella in her grief.}

      _{She really didn’t need another dose of reality, but it was fair. Mark had a right to be upset with her for how she was acting, just as she had the right to push him away until she was ready. She had to BE ready, but she was nowhere near it. There were too many reasons for her to be hesitant, and angry, and afraid, and that was the thing she feared Mark couldn’t wrap his head around. All she could do was sigh and rake her lip with her teeth guiltily, hoping it was an acceptable reaction. To hear him ask where ‘she’ was caused something to stir within her, but her clouded mind couldn’t make sense of the feeling. Tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear, Addison turned slightly. “Upstairs,” she replied quietly. The gesture was one of invitation, although she felt awkward and clumsy. Mark was Derek’s best friend. The three of them had spent years of their lives within these four walls, and now Mark was waiting for permission to move. For a fleeting moment, she longed for the comfort of his unquestioning company.}

     _{Turning on her heel, she led the way up the stairs, closing her mind off from the vivid memories that hid in every corner. For a moment, Addison wondered if Mark could tell she’d been living on the second floor for longer than she’d care to admit. Her exhaustion was catching up with her by the time she reached the landing, drawing in a labored breath as quietly as she could. She could feel his eyes on her, and the last thing she wanted was to look weaker than she was. The office opposite the bedroom had been rearranged to accommodate the newborn, and as Addison opened the door, she turned and laid her finger over her lips to keep Mark from waking her. It’d been nearly impossible to get her down, and the redhead had a sneaking suspicion her daughter just plain didn’t like her. The last thing she needed was Mark proving her paranoia correct. She took him by the arm, sensing his hesitance, and brought him to the side of the crib.}

     _{“She finally got some sleep,” Addison murmured, her eyes settling on the tiny form. I don’t know why I did this to myself. As if on cue, two large, curious blue eyes blinked open and a little nose wrinkled. Before Ella could work herself up again, Addison bent down and scooped the little bundle into her arms. Even in the midst of her animosity and doubt, she was proving to be a good mother. “Ooh, shhhh, sweetie. It’s okay. You’re okay.” Bouncing the baby girl gently, she cooed down at her angelic face until she calmed. “We have a visitor,” she explained, as if she could understand. “It’s Mark.” For a brief moment, she forgot her own ailments and smiled up at him. “Do you want to hold her?”}

                 _{Mark wanted everything he couldn’t have. Mark WANTED Addison,
                 he wanted to be able to see Ella every day of his l i f e. But he also
                 W A N T E D his brother back, the person he had practically been
                 raised with. He held no REGRET OR GUILT for what he did, believing
                 their marriage was heading into a downfall long before he became
                  the problem. To Mark, he had just sped up the inevitable. But he
                 knew if he continued the way he was going, if he continued his
                 pursuit for this family, he would lose Derek. Mark still wasn’t sure
                 if he was okay with making that decision. But he knew he wouldn’t
                 have to worry about that anytime soon, seeing as Addison could
                 barely stand to look at him. “Stop. Stop blaming yourself. We did
                 a bad a thing. But we didn’t make a mistake, this isn’t a mistake.
                 You can’t possibly tell me with the way your marriage was heading
                 it would have lasted another ten years.” He couldn’t help but push
                 it every now and then, it was his force of nature.}

_{There was something o d d about the atmosphere, there was tension, something that had
never occurred before that rainy night. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, him and Addison
were supposed to work o u t. Things were supposed to come D O W N on the side of the
DIRTY MISTRESSES this time around. But things weren’t looking that WAY, things were
going in the e x a c t opposite direction. And there was nothing Mark could do to turn the
situation around. So for the moment he S T A Y E D quiet and followed her up the stairs. 
the same stairs he had been TROTTING up while one hand was tangled in Addison’s hair 
and another tearing off his clothes. Smirking at the memory, trying to hold back the many comments. Noticing her slight staggering weakness, he stuck his hand out to H O V E R
against the center of her back. Not saying a word or even acknowledging that he was
doing it as they walked up the stairs.}

                 _{Eyes drifted down to her fingers that laid against her lips. The lips he had
                 missed for so long, the lips that now were like F O R B I D D E N fruit. Jaw
                 clenching as he snapped himself out of it, reminding himself he was here
                 for Ella, and the fact Addison was S I C K with the flu. Nodding, his voice
                 quieted. Sucking in a breath as he felt her fingers latch onto his arm and
                 pull him into the room. As his eyes met Ella an odd s e n s a t i o n filled his
                 stomach and almost as if it was reflex, his hand came up to clasp around
                 Addison’s. He would be lying if he didn’t admit a overwhelming fear ran
                 over him and the thought of just running was drifted in his mind. But once
                 her eyes opened he couldn’t move, he couldn’t even BREATH. She was so
                 small and delicate looking. Letting out a nervous chuckle as his bright blue
                 eyes locked on Addison and his daughter. Freezing even more when she
                 asked, “I–i” Of course Mark Sloan had held a baby before, but never his
                 baby before. “Yes,” Nervous arms reached out for his child, Mark was
                 feeling something he would have never expected.}